Lessons from Heartbreak

I remember the first time I saw him, in class in 10th grade. I sat behind him because we had to sit alphabetically. He was a popular kid, and I wasn't. He ended up leaving our high school and I didn't see him again, until the summer after our senior year.

We reconnected because of MySpace. The first night we became "friends", we were up all night talking. I saw him for the first time in years the following night. We went to look at Christmas lights.  We drove around, listened to music and talked until late that night. It was magical.

I remember the first time we held hands, the first time we kissed. It, he, is engrained in my memory, along with how he broke my heart.

It's been at least ten years since I've seen or spoken to him, but today the pain hit fresh again. My first love and my first heartbreak.

If I'm honest, this trip down memory lane isn't necessarily about him, but about fear. I look at him as a visual reminder of the pain of heartbreak, of letting someone in who, eventually, didn't want me anymore.

It's funny because as much as dating him changed me, the heartbreak reinforced so many things that I didn't even know I believed.

It wasn't all his fault, it was partly mine. It was partly being young and naive. I was looking to him to be something he could never be. I expected something from him that he could never give, no person could ever give.

Reeling off of the pain of my family and diving head first into being an "adult" capable of making my own choices, I ran straight to him. And for a while, he caught me. Until he didn't.

As I think about it now I think: he was never meant to catch me or save me.

For the majority of my life, being caught by the right guy would have been the solution to everything. That led to a succession of hurts and broken relationships. Even after I came to know the Lord, I still wrongly assumed that dating the right guy would solve everything.

Since living in Jersey, I've been on a few dates, but nothing came from it because the Lord needed to use this time to do a work in me - a work that if I'm honest - still terrifies me: He needed to show me that no human being can catch me or save me. Only He can. Only He will.

Isn't it funny that we can be so afraid of giving ourselves fully to the Lord when we so willingly give ourselves to people?

I've been given many reasons to not trust people, but the one person I've never been let down by is God. Yet still, I've held onto this fear of fully letting him in because, last time, letting someone in led to heartbreak.

The Lord has been challenging me in my trust of Him this year. As I entered into 2018 the phrase "Let your faith be bigger than your fear" followed me.

Heartbreak and the fear of being not wanted had followed me most of my life and had prevented me from truly giving my heart over to the Lord, but the Lord had started to change that. I've learned, and am learning, that not letting God into all the recesses of my heart, causes more pain and heartbreak.

As I look back on human heartbreak, I remember the pain, I remember the hurts, but I remember the lessons it's taught me; even it took me years to learn them, and, knowing what I know now, I would not go back and change a thing.

Human heartbreak led me to know the God who created me and loves me in a way that no one else ever can or will and who will never break my heart by leaving me or not wanting me. And that makes it all worth it.

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