29 Years of Missing You

29.

The number of years I have been alive.

The number of years she hasn't.

Six months after I was born, my mother died and for a long time, I wasn't sure how I felt about her death.

When I was little, I imagined that she was a princess that had to leave me in order to fulfill her duty or save me.

As I got older, I grappled with the truth that my mother was a drug addict.  Sometimes I was mad at her. Sometimes I didn't want to think about her. Sometimes I blamed her for the problems I was facing.

But today, on the 29th anniversary of her passing, the Lord has brought me to a new place. A place of understanding.

2017 was a challenging year for me in so many respects - but one of the places I found myself was facing the thoughts and emotions I have towards my parents, their drug addiction, my mothers' death and the relationship with my father after her death.

I asked myself tough questions. I asked God tough questions. I asked questions I didn't know I needed the answers too and questions I was fearful of what the answers might have been.

And I got the answers. But they were answers I didn't expect. Answers that didn't make me more hurt or angry but answers that brought clarity, empathy, and healing.

I will always miss her.
I will always wonder what things would have been like had she lived.
I will always wonder what her laugh sounded like.
I will always wonder how similar we are or how different.

I've let go of the anger and blaming her.
I've let go of blaming me.
I've let go of thinking I could have somehow fixed things.

I wish I could tell her I'm sorry - sorry that she endured the pain that she did, sorry that life turned out the way that it did for her.

And for the first time in my life, though the ache of losing her is real, there is a hope and a strength that the Lord is shaping me through her death; and I can look at the picture of her on my bookshelf and smile.


Comments

  1. Jess...this piece is amazing. I see wisdom beyond your years, a heart willing to be vulnerable and a clear understanding that where there is vulnerablility, there is strength. Because in our weakness He is strong. Brave girl xoxo

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