Showing posts from January, 2018

Sitting in Expectation


It is an intangible, invisible feeling, one that can't be described. It sits there. In the pit of your stomach, churning. 

I've become well acquainted with grief. Much more than I ever thought I would. But until recently, I was never able to identify it as grief. 
I would have identified it as something else because grief didn't seem right. It seemed selfish. So many people are grieving the loss of family members and facing a scary diagnosis, how could I call what I was feeling grief?  
Yes, I've experienced the death of a loved one, but recently? I was blessed. The Lord opened the door for me to venture out on my own to the opposite side of the country to serve in ministry. He has always provided for my needs. He's brought friends that became family. What did I have to grieve? 
I've recently begun to see grief as something more than just facing the loss of a family member. Grief emerges at the loss of something valuable, the loss of something important, som…

29 Years of Missing You


The number of years I have been alive.

The number of years she hasn't.

Six months after I was born, my mother died and for a long time, I wasn't sure how I felt about her death.

When I was little, I imagined that she was a princess that had to leave me in order to fulfill her duty or save me.

As I got older, I grappled with the truth that my mother was a drug addict.  Sometimes I was mad at her. Sometimes I didn't want to think about her. Sometimes I blamed her for the problems I was facing.

But today, on the 29th anniversary of her passing, the Lord has brought me to a new place. A place of understanding.

2017 was a challenging year for me in so many respects - but one of the places I found myself was facing the thoughts and emotions I have towards my parents, their drug addiction, my mothers' death and the relationship with my father after her death.

I asked myself tough questions. I asked God tough questions. I asked questions I didn't know I needed the answ…