Honest: Dad

If my dad were sitting in front of me right now, I'd have no idea what to say. I wouldn't know how to engage with him because if I'm honest, he is a stranger. Even more than that, he is a stranger who doesn't want to know me.

That is a hard pill to swallow: my father doesn't want to know me.

I don't think he knew what he was doing or how life would end up when he left and stayed away. I don't think he one day decided that he didn't want to know me. I think he ended up there accidentally.

The thing is, my dad made poor life choice after poor life choice. He dropped out of school, he chose drugs and a life of criminal activity, and, when the going got tough when my mom died, he chose not to stay and not to deal with it. He chose not to try and fight for a life with his daughter (and my siblings) because that was too hard. In his mind, he already blew it, so why try to fix something that was too broken?

I don't write this to draw attention to his mistakes (or if he ever reads this to make him feel guilty) and I don't write this for you to feel sorry for me. I write this because it is true.

You see this is the truth that has shaped my life - in my childhood, teen years and life as an adult - there has always been this small, nagging voice in the back of my head that reminds me on loop that my dad doesn't want to know me.

I vacillate between blaming myself, being angry with him, and recognizing that at some point, I have to accept that no matter the circumstances that led us here and that this is the life I face: a life without a relationship with my father.

I blame myself, thinking I was somehow not good enough for him to stay.
I get angry with him, thinking he should have loved me enough to give up his lifestyle of drugs.
I accept the circumstances and try and move on with my life.

But, I'm not sure if I can ever really "move on with my life".

If I'm honest, this has shaped the way that I view God. If my own earthly father, who is supposed to love me more than anyone on this earth didn't love me enough to stay, why would God? I am thankful God doesn't give love based on my understanding of His love.

I felt compelled to write this tonight for two reasons. One: I can't keep it all bottled inside and I need to be able to process it, to put a pen to paper so to speak and bring the truth to the light. Two: Someone reading this may need to hear what God is showing me through this.

Here is the lesson in this: God's love is unlike any earthly love, even that of my father. God wants to know me. God will never leave nor forsake me. It is okay to struggle. It is okay to look at the lousy circumstances that have taken place in life and be upset and even angry. But every day, and every time I sit with the Lord and surrender one more piece of my hurt, he brings comfort to the worst of hurts.

This journey is just beginning and it will be bumpy, but there is consistency in my God, of that I am sure and my Father, will carry me through.

** Note: this is the beginning of a series I'm calling Honest. I will be writing about all the things I have faced openly and honestly. ** 

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