I flopped down on the floor and opened my Bible and journal and stared. Why is this so difficult, I thought. Shouldn't it be easy to spend time with the One who created me? More than that, He saved me. He gave me a new life in Him and has blessed me way more than I deserved.
All of this to say - God is who He says He is. I want to start a new journey on this blog. My goal is to write a new post Every other week about who God is, who He has revealed Himself to be to me through this trial. I hope you will join me and I hope that this next year will be a year of going deeper and deeper with our sweet Savior.
I don't know how it happened. How I got to this place that I thought I had moved past. When looking at the pages of my Bible seemed like a chore and everything in my body screamed at me to just put it away.
I know that God is real. I know Him. I've heard Him speak. I've seen Him move and work in my life. I've seen things happen that could only happen through Him. But on this day, some how there was a disconnect.
I felt caught in this cycle of spending time with Him and experiencing Him; sitting in His presence at His feet and being engulfed in all that He is and then nothing. Then dryness. Where everything falls away and it feels like He is just out of reach.
The past few months have been some of the hardest months of my life. Yet through them, this cycle seemed to put itself on hold.
In October I started having panic attacks. It literally felt like the world was caving in around me. It felt like I was being pulled under wave after wave, coming up for air to be pulled back under again. I pulled back from everyone and everything and fear engulfed me.
I love that there is a but. I can honestly tell you that I experienced God in ways that I never have before. I heard him speaking so clearly. I felt Him so near to me. Any walls that were up between myself and Him were broken down instantly as I cried out to Him. I was able to be honest and real with Him in ways that I hadn't before. And He heard. He acknowledged me and my fears. And then He spoke the truth.
He revealed who He was in deeper ways. Things that I "knew" but never claimed for myself became tangible. His Word came alive to me in fresh ways as scripture after scripture met me in my need.
I'm not fully out of this trial yet, but I know that it is for a purpose. In fact, the Lord confirmed to me that this is why He brought me to New Jersey:
"And the man said to me, “Son of man, look with your eyes and hear with your ears, and fix your mind on everything I show you; for you brought here so that I might show to you." (Eze 40:4)