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Showing posts from 2014

God Is...

I flopped down on the floor and opened my Bible and journal and stared. Why is this so difficult, I thought. Shouldn't it be easy to spend time with the One who created me? More than that, He saved me. He gave me a new life in Him and has blessed me way more than I deserved.

I don't know how it happened. How I got to this place that I thought I had moved past. When looking at the pages of my Bible seemed like a chore and everything in my body screamed at me to just put it away. 
I know that God is real. I know Him. I've heard Him speak. I've seen Him move and work in my life. I've seen things happen that could only happen through Him. But on this day, some how there was a disconnect. 
I felt caught in this cycle of spending time with Him and experiencing Him; sitting in His presence at His feet and being engulfed in all that He is and then nothing. Then dryness. Where everything falls away and it feels like He is just out of reach. 
The past few months have been so…

New Jersey: A Year Later

I can't believe it, but, it has been over a year since I made the trek across country, moving from California to New Jersey. So here are a few questions I've been asked as an update! 

What was the best thing that happened to me this year?
Well, aside from actually moving here, the Lord has really blessed me. I was made full-time at work within the first month of being here. In January, I switched jobs to my current position as assistant to our events coordinator, which I love! I got an apartment in February. In August, I started serving with the High School Ministry. I have been blessed with a few relationships with a few women here that I know without a shadow of a doubt, have made my time here so much better. So, it's hard to pick one "best" thing that happened to me. 

What was the hardest thing that happened this year? 
I faced some health issues this year. Nothing serious, but nothing that was immediately identifiable. So I had to do quite a few tests to figure i…

Taste and See

I was asked a very interesting question last night.
As I shared a bit about my life before I knew the Lord with a girl, she asked me if I found fulfillment in the things I did? When I was fully immersed in the world and the things of the world, did it satisfy the longings of my heart? Did it mask the pain I was trying to hide?  Did it bring me any enjoyment? Did I know it was wrong?

I'm thankful for the innocence behind her questions. She hasn't experienced that lifestyle and I pray with everything in me that she never will. But it got me thinking. How did I really feel when I was living like that?

Looking back now I see so clearly how the choices I was making were driven by a need or desire or fear; how I was making every decision with the hopes of finding love or being accepted. But did I really know how empty it all was? The short answer - no.

I walked away from the Lord when I was 18. The thing about walking is that you don't suddenly arrive to a place, you walk step b…

Grace Through Disobedience

Today, I am overwhelmed.
You see, I was reminded first hand about the life I lived before I came to Christ. I was reminded that every action has a consequence and to be truthful, consequences can be scary. So often we make quick choices without thinking about them. We make choices based on what will give us pleasure or joy in the moment without thinking about how it can affect the long term. I am fully aware that I've made more wrong choices than right ones in my life; knowing things were wrong and choosing do to them anyway, justifying them along the way. But what happens when you stare a consequence in the face? When you have that thought, this wouldn't be happening right now if I never did that? 

I'm reminded of Naomi.
Naomi was a Jew who was married with two sons. Because of the famine that had struck their land, her husband decided to relocate to Moab. The Moabites were descendants of Moab, the son of Lot conceived from the incestuous relationship between him and his …

Past the Words

I want the words I write and speak to mean something. I want them to linger - to encourage, to challenge and to point others to Jesus. But I've realized something - it's not so much about the words. Yes, words are needed to convey the message of the Gospel and words affect people, but words also mask what is really going on in our hearts and minds. So, what happens when you get past the words? What happens when we live out the love of God?

When I first gave my life to the Lord in High School, there were a handful of young women that I met. When we were around each other, we had conversations but I never felt the push to get behind the words and the pleasantries. Yet, I so desperately wanted someone to.

I didn't understand the Gospel. I didn't know what it meant to really live for the Lord, to walk with Him daily, how to even read my Bible or pray. I didn't understand that the Lord loved me so deeply and greatly. But I was there, for every service, taking notes in …

Beautiful because I'm His

When I was an infant, my mother died and my father was absent for the majority of my life. I grew up with my grandma, whom I love dearly, but she drank. When she drank, she had the habit of telling me I wasn't good enough and pointing out my flaws. As I grew up thoughts of worthlessness sprouted in my heart and head. My young mind attributed my parents absence and my grandmas words to something that I had done, or rather who I was. If I was different, then my mom would still be alive or my dad would be around. And I began a search to find someone who would stay, someone who would say that I mattered and that I wasn't worthless.

I found that in seeking after relationships. My first boyfriend cheated on me which continued to feed these thoughts of worthlessness. I started going to church shortly after that. But I wasn't looking to Jesus for these issues, I was looking for "good boys" who wouldn't hurt me because they went to church. Obviously, that wasn't a…

I don't know what to do, but my eyes are upon You.

I find myself sitting and staring at the wall of my living room. 
I can't seem to gather my words and my thoughts together. 
I'm scattered. 

You see, more and more I've become aware of startling statistics. 

27 million men, women, and children in slavery world wide. (IJM)
Approximately 80 percent of human trafficking victimsare women andgirls,and up to 50 percentare minors. (IJM)
At least one outof every three women in the world has been raped, beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise violently abused in her lifetime. (U.N. Development Fund for Women). 
In developing countries, approximately 130 millionchildren and teens — age 17 or under — have lost one or both parents. (Compassion International).
31,000 children are killed by adults each year with the majority being less than four years old (World Health Organization). 
Between a quarter and halfof all children report severe and frequent physical abuse, including being beaten, kicked or tied up by caregivers. (Compassion Internation…

It is New

Sometimes it is hard to put into words all that God is doing.
The words just melt away.
Nothing can do it justice.
So, I don't have anything profound to write today.
But I feel it.
I feel the hand of God, stretching, molding, shaping my heart.
It is good.

It is realization of a grace far bigger, wider, deeper than I could have ever comprehended.
It is the love of Christ pouring out drip by drip into my life, consuming all.
It is the pumping of blood through my heart.
It is the air that fills my lungs.
It is the exhale of all that was past and the inhale of what is to come.
It is new.