Hope in the Midst

It has been a long time since I've had the courage to sit down and write about the things that the Lord is doing in my life. To be totally honest - its been a painful season - but it is in the midst of that pain, that I am learning to see the Lord clearer.

"God has been tenderly reminding me that pain itself is not the enemy. Pain is the indicator that brokenness exists. Pain is the gift that motivates us to fight with brave tenacity and fierce determination, knowing there is healing on the other side.... Pain is the invitation for God to move in and replace our faltering strength with His." - Lisa TerKeurst 

My journey started when the Lord called me to New Jersey, over three years ago now. I had no idea what He was asking me to walk into. As I've shared in previous entries, a short time after moving to New Jersey I began experiencing panic attacks. It wasn't until these past few months that I started to really learn why. Which is exactly why the Lord moved me to…

A Different Kind of Woman

You know, one of the hardest things for me to come to grips with is who I am as a woman. Which is kind of ironic considering the title of my blog. 

For so long, I have tried to be what other people wanted me to be. I learned to mind my p's and q's and to act and speak in a certain way to avoid any confrontation. I changed my language, my dress and my mannerisms depending on who I was with. I never quite felt comfortable in my own skin. I didn't even know what my own skin looked like. 

I began on a journey 2 and a half years ago when I moved to New Jersey that I didn't even know I started. I am just beginning to see it now. And even then, its not the whole picture, just blurry bits and pieces. My journey was not to move across country or to even start adulthood on my own. My journey was the journey of finding who I really am. And the truth is - the Bible is right. When you loose your life then you will find it. 

Loosing who I am was always my biggest fear. 

Who would I be i…

New Jersey Year Two: A Walk Through the Wilderness

And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. So He humbled you, called you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. Your garments did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years. You should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the Lord your God chastens you. Therefore you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your God, to walk in His ways and to fear him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, that flow out of valleys and hills; a land of wheat and barley, of vines and fig trees and pomegranates, a land of olive oil and honey; a land in w…

God Is...

I flopped down on the floor and opened my Bible and journal and stared. Why is this so difficult, I thought. Shouldn't it be easy to spend time with the One who created me? More than that, He saved me. He gave me a new life in Him and has blessed me way more than I deserved.

I don't know how it happened. How I got to this place that I thought I had moved past. When looking at the pages of my Bible seemed like a chore and everything in my body screamed at me to just put it away. 
I know that God is real. I know Him. I've heard Him speak. I've seen Him move and work in my life. I've seen things happen that could only happen through Him. But on this day, some how there was a disconnect. 
I felt caught in this cycle of spending time with Him and experiencing Him; sitting in His presence at His feet and being engulfed in all that He is and then nothing. Then dryness. Where everything falls away and it feels like He is just out of reach. 
The past few months have been so…

New Jersey: A Year Later

I can't believe it, but, it has been over a year since I made the trek across country, moving from California to New Jersey. So here are a few questions I've been asked as an update! 

What was the best thing that happened to me this year?
Well, aside from actually moving here, the Lord has really blessed me. I was made full-time at work within the first month of being here. In January, I switched jobs to my current position as assistant to our events coordinator, which I love! I got an apartment in February. In August, I started serving with the High School Ministry. I have been blessed with a few relationships with a few women here that I know without a shadow of a doubt, have made my time here so much better. So, it's hard to pick one "best" thing that happened to me. 

What was the hardest thing that happened this year? 
I faced some health issues this year. Nothing serious, but nothing that was immediately identifiable. So I had to do quite a few tests to figure i…

Taste and See

I was asked a very interesting question last night.
As I shared a bit about my life before I knew the Lord with a girl, she asked me if I found fulfillment in the things I did? When I was fully immersed in the world and the things of the world, did it satisfy the longings of my heart? Did it mask the pain I was trying to hide?  Did it bring me any enjoyment? Did I know it was wrong?

I'm thankful for the innocence behind her questions. She hasn't experienced that lifestyle and I pray with everything in me that she never will. But it got me thinking. How did I really feel when I was living like that?

Looking back now I see so clearly how the choices I was making were driven by a need or desire or fear; how I was making every decision with the hopes of finding love or being accepted. But did I really know how empty it all was? The short answer - no.

I walked away from the Lord when I was 18. The thing about walking is that you don't suddenly arrive to a place, you walk step b…

Grace Through Disobedience

Today, I am overwhelmed.
You see, I was reminded first hand about the life I lived before I came to Christ. I was reminded that every action has a consequence and to be truthful, consequences can be scary. So often we make quick choices without thinking about them. We make choices based on what will give us pleasure or joy in the moment without thinking about how it can affect the long term. I am fully aware that I've made more wrong choices than right ones in my life; knowing things were wrong and choosing do to them anyway, justifying them along the way. But what happens when you stare a consequence in the face? When you have that thought, this wouldn't be happening right now if I never did that? 

I'm reminded of Naomi.
Naomi was a Jew who was married with two sons. Because of the famine that had struck their land, her husband decided to relocate to Moab. The Moabites were descendants of Moab, the son of Lot conceived from the incestuous relationship between him and his …